Therapy has given me structure and a toolbox of resources to draw on when needed. But it doesn’t erase the pain, the grief, the incessant internal dialogue. Grief cannot be bent to your will, try as you might. There is no straight path through and no right or wrong way to do it. Grief is not solely confined to death and dying. We experience grief throughout our life in many forms. The loss of a job, a friendship, a relationship, even the loss of 2020 as a whole. It is significant. It should be acknowledged. The trauma is worthy of being healed.
We have “hellos” and “goodbyes” throughout our time here. But I will tell you, the goodbyes I have experienced in the last two years have been life changing. I would really like more hellos than goodbyes in my life right now. I have made a conscious effort to seek out new friends and adventures to expedite those hey’s, hi’s, how are ya‘s. But they will never erase or replace those heartbreaking goodbyes.
The loss of Rich to suicide is the single most painful moment in my life, but grieving the loss of someone equally as important and loved, who is very much alive feels harder, more difficult. Grieving them simultaneously….I am surprised I have survived it. I don’t say that to be dramatic, I am honestly unsure of how or when my heart will heal. Perhaps it won’t in the way I think, the scars may always be rough and rigid. But it is walking through this grief, sadness, anger that I have found purpose. Purpose in the pain. I choose to live my grief, my pain, and my happiness out loud. Not for anyone’s approval or acknowledgment, but simply for me. It is moments captured in time documenting where I am, how far I have come, and where I have yet to go. These are singular moments of MY healing, of finding connections, of living in the moment, and seeking out joy even when the grief feels like it may break me completely.
Most of us live with our trauma and grief silently. Understandably. If there is one thing I could say to you is: acknowledge it. Allow what remains to be acknowledged. That is where you will find purpose and the strength to move forward.
Xoxo, Shar
Your tenacity in all things is refreshing. Loss is something few of us can describe but almost everyone gets to experience. I’d like to think that collectively each person on the planet can relate and sometimes that is the little ray that we can find solace in. Your beauty and kindness shall be an example for others. I’m proud to know you, my friend.