Alright, let’s talk dating in our 40s. This shit is hard and isn’t for the faint of heart. After years of not dating, I finally, begrudgingly, signed up on a few online dating apps. Why? Because no one was showing up in my backyard asking if they could make me burgers on the grill. Believe me, I would have accepted. Happily. I think I’ve tried out a good majority of the apps over the last few years. To answer the question you might be asking yourself right now, yes I am single (as of the date of this post). Fingers crossed, any swipe now…
Below are some thoughts 3 years deep into this circus:
- Not every relationship needs to be or will be transformative. I know! Mind blown. As an empath this is a foreign & uncomfortable concept for me. <thanks to @costarastrology for this informative nugget>
- Recognize that you are both showing up with life experiences. Kids, divorces, aging parents, responsibilities, tragedies, successes & failures, medical issues. We are no longer uncomplicated shiny new pennies.
- One of my favorite Paulo Coelho quotes is “There is always a gap between intention and action”. I try to be mindful of this in my work, in my life, and in particular: love. Bridge the gap – be intentional, be present, be accountable. Expect the same in return.
- Not everyone we meet will materialize into dating or a relationship. Let’s be honest, most of the time it’s meeting someone for coffee, usually it goes well <enough> and then promptly goes nowhere. It’s ok! Personally, I value these micro coffee dates. I value them even more when there’s wine. Kidding. Except I’m not. I’ve met really interesting people from all different walks of life and better yet…they got to meet me.
- Lower the pressure, not your expectations. Early on I had these reversed. Things. Did not. Go. Well.
- Pay attention to the ones that make you laugh and the ones that teach you new things.
- The process can feel exhausting. Pace yourself.
- Split the check right away or pay for the 2nd date. Best to have this discussion early on. We are old enough to know that dating gets expensive – you are in this together and ideally equally invested in the possibility of coupling up, so actually be invested. Gender social norms are a guide, not a rule.
- If you’re not feeling it, it’s ok. Be kind and upfront. We are in this weird world of online dating together. And if you are on the receiving end of a “I just don’t think we clicked” text message, acknowledge your date was evolved enough to let you know. Respond! Say thanks, I enjoyed our date, wish you the best. If you are feeling sad about it, it’s ok. But also play on repeat the wise words of Ariana Grande: “Thank You, Next”.
I have yet to get it right, but I trust and believe that someday two rusty pennies will find each other. Until then I’m going to enjoy the circus as much as possible.
Xoxo, Shar
