The Weight of Waiting

There were many years that I sat completely idle, at home, in the shadows existing. Breathing air. Eating. Working. Repeat. I spent most of my 30s filled with anger, mostly with myself but I was masterful at projecting it outward. My purpose was found solely in the work I did and I did it well, but I knew I was missing out on all that life has to offer as I watched friends, neighbors, family experience things that I was too afraid to try. Because I was fat. Really fat. I was insecure and ashamed. I felt invisible, which is ironic since I was huge. Or perhaps I had hoped I was invisible.

Anger, frustration, and declining health were my wake up calls. Yes, I needed multiple calls. I was pre-diabetic with a fatty liver and preparing for a gallbladder removal. I made one decision that on the surface didn’t seem related, but in hind sight was pivotal. I knew when I bought a house with a back yard I wanted to adopt a dog and so it goes, in June 2017, a local shelter dog who had been surrendered, saved me.

I took Mason for walks daily so we could bond and get to know each other. Without much forethought other than, ‘hey I’m kind of exercising maybe I can let go of a couple of bad eating habits’ <fast food and sodas>. Just these small adjustments led to a 15lb weight loss. I then thought ‘now what?’

I decided to invest and go all in. I knew I couldn’t do it alone, not initially. I worked with a personal trainer at a small gym <no way was I going into a big box>. With nutritional guidance, monitoring, and functional interval training several times a week – it made a difference. 60 lbs. It wasn’t easy, but it did provide the life style change that you read about in all of those other weight loss stories. I soon found my confidence and other activities that I enjoyed. Most people want to know the numbers….so far I’m 75 lbs down over the last three years. It is still a struggle some days, and I so want to lose another 30 lbs of fat. I don’t know if it will ever happen. What I do know is that I have gained so much by losing the weight. Some advantages for your consideration, if improving your health isn’t front of mind <it wasn’t for me until it had to be>. Yes I know most of these are superficial but I own it:

• Clothes. I am all about size inclusion, but for me, I was glad to have more options to shop outside of plus size specific stores (in case you don’t know, options are limited and quite expensive). And shorts. Good lord I hadn’t worn shorts in probably 10 years. I’ve got a drawer full now.
• Airplanes. The day I could cross my legs on an airplane and pull the seatbelt tight with room to spare…it was a ‘goal-achieved-I-can-die-happy’ kind of moment.
• Stairs. I choose to take the stairs without fear or frustration; also without losing my breathe.
• Appearance. I could see my dimples in my cheeks again, both shoulders fit in a photo, my skin was behaving differently. Good nutrition can do that. Who knew?!
• Measurements. The measurements are almost more exciting to track my progress against then weighing in. On weeks that I didn’t see movement on the scale, I always saw progress in measurements.
• Strength. I am strong. Like really strong. I recently had a DEXA done and also purchased a FitTrack pro scale that is fantastic. Turns out I am in the “high” range for muscle rate. This also means I may never reach that holy grail ideal BMI. I’m totally ok with it ’cause girl has muscles.
• Doctors Appointments. No fear of: the scale, the weight loss talk, the health warnings, & the dreaded lab results. Last year, my PCP said she wanted to use me as her success story for her other patients who struggle. This is probably one of the best compliments I could receive.
• Mental Health. It’s 100% true what they say, exercise has a positive impact on your mental health. I absolutely “feel it” when I don’t move every day and I feel better once I’ve gotten my ass in gear.
• Activity. Whatever that means to you, just go and do it. For me, I have to enjoy doing it or it won’t stick. Pilates has basically become my religion and anything outdoors makes me happy. Try anything and everything…golf, tennis, kayaking, canoeing, skiing…you get the point. Oh! Paddle boarding…I had always wanted to try it. I was in Hawaii in 2012 and couldn’t do it because there is a weight limit for the boards. It was disappointing and mortifying. Last summer I finally tried it, I was hooked. I even belong to a local club now and paddle as much as possible. Turns out, you can do yoga on a paddle board too!

To be clear, I am not thin and probably never will be. There will always be trouble spots, extra skin and things that only plastic surgery will fix. I may choose that route at some point. I think what makes me the proudest is I feel like my truest self right now. I have given myself the opportunity to become who I was supposed to be, a girl who seeks adventure, wants to explore, and of course <hashtag> tries something new at every opportunity.

All the work, time, and yes, money, invested in improving myself was worth it. Every day it remains worth it. I was done with the weight and I was done waiting. I choose to be engaged with the world in new ways and in the process, I’ve discovered just how much life has to offer.

Don’t wait one more second. Trust yourself, start, go, pick up where you left off. You’ve got this!

Xoxo, Shar

• 

•